“A real friend would do it for free”: Woman tries to get musician friend to play at her wedding without compensation, he demands funds or he’s not playing, tearing their friendship apart

Author image for Briana Viser
Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Jan 17, 2025 3:00 PM EST

"That's what friends are for," a common phrase that could go one of two directions. Either it means you're in a jam, a bad place, you're down on your luck and a friend swoops in to save the day. Or, it could be that your friend is trying to push your boundaries and coerce you into things you didn't actually want to do. The meaning of friendship changes from person to person, but respecting each other and having open communication are always essential to a long-lasting and healthy relationship. 

We all know that some people get absorbed in their wedding day; that they want everything to be perfect, and sometimes they might even become what's known as a bridezilla. 

In the story below, the protagonist is a man whose friend is getting married. He's a studio musician, so naturally she asked him to play at her wedding. They decided on a price, then she took it back, acting like he should do it for free. He refuses, demanding compensation, but she won't give in. What would you do if it were you? Read the full story below for all the juicy details. 

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  • 01

    AITA for refusing to play at my friend’s wedding for free after she said I’d get “exposure”?

    "It's not my hobby, it's my livelihood"
    via jamenpercy from Getty Images / Canva

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    I (28M) am a session musician, and I also play gigs outside of work. Recently, a friend asked me to play at her wedding. She said she wanted a live performance during the ceremony and cocktail hour. I was flattered and happy to help, so I asked her about the details and offered a reasonable fee based on my experience.
    via u/Imaginary_ation
  • 03
    That's when things got weird. She seemed shocked that I was asking for payment. She told me, "But you're a friend! You should do this as a wedding gift!" Then she added that it would be "great exposure" for me since many guests might want to book me for future events.
    via u/Imaginary_ation
  • 04
    Cheezburger Image 10455525632
    via maite grau from Getty Images / Canva

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 05
    I explained that while I value our friendship, performing at her wedding would require preparation, plus time spent on the day itself, including transportation and setting up my equipment. I also reminded her that this is part of my livelihood, not just a hobby.
    via u/Imaginary_ation

  • What's strange is that she gave him a payment amount, and then went back on it. I wonder what changed for her?

  • 06
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    via DAPA Images / Canva

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 07
    She got upset and said I was being selfish. She claimed I should be honored to be part of her big day and that I was putting money over our friendship. I told her I couldn't do it for free, and now she's barely speaking to me.
    via u/Imaginary_ation
  • 08
    I feel bad because I don't want to lose a friend, but I also think it's unfair to expect me to work for free.
    via u/Imaginary_ation
  • 09
    So, AITA for refusing to play at her wedding without compensation?
    via u/Imaginary_ation
  • 10
    Edit: Just to clarify it was only for the ceremony and the hour of cocktails straight after, not the reception. She "hired" a DJ for that.
    via u/Imaginary_ation
  • 11
    Kitty-of-Time 11h ago. NTA She isn't a friend. A true friend would value the work you do and pay you appropriately. She sounds like a mooch.
    via u/Kitty--Time
  • 12
    Broad-Discipline... • 11h ago Uhm.... She is putting money over friendship, not you. NTA
    via u/Broad-Discipline
  • 13
    4986270 11h ago NTA - She's being disrespectful and ride. If anything she should have offered to pay you when she asked.
    via u/4986270
  • 14
    Competitive-Rea... • 11h ago How many "exposures" does it take to cover your rent?
    via u/Competitive-Rea
  • 15
    Emotional-Hair-1... • 10h ago NTA: A famous pianist was asked to perform at dinner party. Afterwards he presented the hostess with his bill. She was shocked and said, "But you were a
    via u/Emotional-Hair-1
  • 16
    guest!" His response was, "No, otherwise my wife would have also been invited."
    via u/Emotional-Hair-1
  • 17
    RJack151 • 11h ago NTA. Tell her that if you are performing, then you would not be able to enjoy her 'big day'. She is not your friend.
    via u/RJack151

  • It would be one thing if it was just a hobby for him. But he's right, it's his livelihood. It's not a small favor, and of course he should be compensated. 

  • 18
    EsquireMI ⚫11h ago One frank piece of advice: never practice your profession for free. I am an attorney, and just because I may be your friend, doesn't mean that I can provide you with free legal services. Yes, I may do a favor here and
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 19
    there, but if any of my friends come to me with a problem that really requires my legal services, it is clear from the very beginning that there will be some kind of fee agreement.
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 20
    You said it yourself - this is your livelihood. You have costs associated with performing. You also said that you gave her a reasonable fee. Discounting something for a friend is fine, but her expectation that you would perform at her wedding for free is
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 21
    absolutely sickening. And, the fact that she has chastised you since you explained the situation to her is even worse. You would not be a guest at her wedding if it were a gig - you would be performing. That's not anything akin to being a guest at a wedding.
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 22
    Frankly your "friend" has a lot of nerve to (a) expect that you would do this for free, and (b) complain and call you selfish. I wonder - would you have even been invited if she did not think you were going to be performing at the wedding?
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 23
    It sounds like you thought you were good friends, but now it doesn't really seem that way.
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 24
    You should definitely not play without compensation. Maybe the better thing to do is reach out to her and tell her that you would really prefer to be a guest at her wedding to support and celebrate her on her special day, rather than a hired performer, but that, as a
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 25
    wedding gift, you would like to sing something just for her and her husband, in private, on a different day. If she is who I think she is, she will probably respond with something like "so you're not even going to give me a real gift for my wedding either?"
    via u/EsquireMI
  • 26
    I think you have a Bridezilla on your hands, or just a Karen who has no respect for what you do to earn a living, and only thinks of herself and what she wants.
    via u/EsquireMI

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